


leave the ruins where they fall

by wizardcleric



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Asexual Caduceus Clay, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Friendship, Gender-neutral Reader, Haircuts, Meaningless things that can mean a lot if you let them, Other, Reader-Insert, Spoilers for c2ep111, this could theoretically be read as romantic but i'd prefer if you didn't
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-17
Updated: 2020-12-17
Packaged: 2021-03-11 02:21:36
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,326
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28127547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/wizardcleric/pseuds/wizardcleric
Summary: You didn't know when your best friend Caduceus had decided he wanted his hair cut, nor did you know why. Least of all you knew why he wanted you to do the deed.ortwo best friends figure things out, slowly.
Relationships: Caduceus Clay & Reader
Comments: 2
Kudos: 23





	leave the ruins where they fall

**Author's Note:**

> I am back at my bullshit. I wrote this the night before a final exam within an hour. This is very self-indulgent but 2020 has been a year riddled with change and loss for me, and I'm sure you, dearest reader, can relate.  
> Cad is a huge comfort character for me, when I saw that they had changed his hairstyle, I took the opportunity before Taliesin could explain when that happened.  
> I've been feeling all sorts of directionless despite being very, very busy. So when I discovered a channel on YouTube by the name of TheCottageFairy, some of the words she spoke brought me deep comfort. I took a small passage that Cad will speak later on from one of her videos, please do check her out if you need a bit of peace.
> 
> The title are lyrics from the song Grow by The Oh Hellos

It was an odd request you weren’t quite sure what to make of or why he would come to you to fulfill it, especially given the tense climate in the party at the moment.

Caduceus Clay was your best friend, closest confidant, and comfort person. What the two of you shared could only be described as platonic soulmates. You, well, did most things together whenever you could.

That, however, did not necessarily warrant his request for you to cut and restyle his hair.

Because you weren’t exactly sure how to do that.

Maybe you had unknowingly left the impression of competence in that regard or maybe Caduceus had heard tales of the shave Yasha had given Caleb with her blade and decided against asking your other friends.

To be quite honest, you were a bit afraid of messing his lovely hair up.

“I want you to do it.” Caduceus had said and you supposed that it was reason enough.

You sat him down near the light the small lamp of your Inn room shed, in front of a mirror. He was one tall firbolg, so sitting was the minimum requirement for your working comfort.

First, you brushed his hair.

Calm easily settled between you two. Both of you were more docile spirits, docile within reason, but never brash or hasty. The calmness was only natural.

It was hard fighting back the thoughts, the thoughts of helplessness and lack of direction. The feeling of your feet being left to dangle freely while your mind did the same. Mollymauk wasn’t Mollymauk any longer, at least, you had no hope that he was.

It’s hard seeing friends go. It’s hard to come to terms with their absence. It’s hard having to fill their void.

Nothing would be the same anymore, you weren’t the same anymore.

Now that you thought about it, neither was Caduceus, neither were the rest of the Nein.

And you didn’t know when that change had occurred.

Caduceus watched your expression closely.

You chose to instead focus on brush in your hand and the softness of Caduceus’ fluffy mane. The pink had faded somewhat, the light natural color of his hair taking root again. Taking great care to make Caduceus relax and in hope you wouldn’t have to open up to him about the thoughts you were sure he had read from your face like a book, you ran your fingers through his hair gently.

Your firbolg friend sighed in contentment at the gesture of affection.

“How would you like your hair cut?” You decided to ask since he hadn’t mentioned it yet. And by his expression, you could guess he hadn’t thought about it either.

“Hm.” Came his low hum. “I want it to be different, but I will leave the specifics up to you.”

Different, huh.

You thought long and hard about this. What would suit Caduceus’ long face? You didn’t want to cut it too short; braiding his hair had always been your favorite thing to do for him. You weren’t willing to let that go, if you could help it, if you had the control.

Which you did.

You formed the mental image in your mind. The chin-length strands of pink framing his face, that familiar smile amplified and enhanced.

However, you found yourself quickly at an impasse.

The first cut.

You were afraid to move on, in more ways than one.

Caduceus, being Caduceus, had likely seen the distress written across your face in bold letters, not able to be missed, even in the slightest. There was a fond look in his eyes, even if it was slightly pained.

“You can start, one step at a time.” His voice, ever soothing, sounded clearly in your ears. It cut through the jumble of thoughts that was threatening to cloud your senses.

Caduceus, your anchor.

“I’m sorry, Cad. I just… need a moment to gather up the courage to start.” Your voice was shakier than you had anticipated.

“Should we count down to it?” He spoke. “Once the first cut is made, it will be less scary.”

You could only nod with a shaky breath.

“3…” He started.

“2…” You continued; your hands felt unusually cold as the nerves tightened their hold.

“…1.” Both of you said, in unison.

_Snip!_

The first cut was made, and Caduceus’ satisfied expression etched itself into your memory.

So, you continued to cut, one strand at a time, sculpting Caduceus’ hair into a new style. You brushed it, moved it around and you cut and cut and when you finished cutting, you looked at Caduceus, who looked back at you through the mirror, deep in thought.

“I think I am done.” You said, barely having processed the procedure.

“Almost done.” He corrected. “Could you braid my hair like you always do?”

This dork.

So, braid you did. The motion was natural to you, the only thing foreign to you was the new length.

“I’ve been thinking.” Caduceus said, in his usual low voice. “About change. About… growth.”

You gave an inquisitive hum in return.

“Nature doesn’t stop growing just because of the fear of a future undecided.” Caduceus leans into your touch. “It blooms and thrives and does what it can with the time it has.”

Caduceus was a wise man, you knew that. He always had been. Hyper aware, yet sensible, sensitive. You knew him like the back of your hand, you could tell when something was going on in his head, even if he didn’t want you to. You were much the same. Different, but the same in the aspects that mattered.

“What about you, though, Cad?” Your movements were precise and undisturbed when Caduceus inclined his head in thought.

“Things have been moving very fast for all of us. It’s tempting to think that we’re lost.” Caduceus spoke from his heart. You loved when he did that. “But maybe that’s just when we need to realize that it’s time for change. To embrace it.”

“Maybe it is.” You said, undoing the same braid again and again, the sensation bringing you comfort.

“Maybe it is for all of us.”

“And maybe it isn’t so scary after all.” You said, reveling in the smile Caduceus showed you.

“So, Mr. Clay, do you bloom and thrive?” You finished the braid you were working on.

Your Mr. Clay was a man simply too used to taking care of others before even considering himself.

“I think I may grow to do so.” You couldn’t see his face as he looked down on the floor, but his tone held the same contentment as it would carry when sipping tea. “This may be too much to ask, but would you help me, my friend?”

You wanted to tell him that you would walk to the end of the world if it meant that your friend could keep smiling.

You weren’t going to wait for the Wildmother to help.

Instead, you crouched down in front of Caduceus and lifted his head so his eyes would meet yours. You pulled him into an embrace that you hoped would convey all the love you held for him as tears threatened to spill from your eyes as the firbolg nuzzled into your shoulder. Caduceus had never asked for help for his emotional needs before.

Maybe change was good.

Caduceus’ embrace was warm, it was warm in contrast to the place you’d be travelling within the next week. He was warm and he was a friend. You were a friend too, you were warm to him, too.

You were there for one another, what more was there to want?

“I am a bit upset that I won’t be able to braid flowers into your hair that well anymore.” You said, ever so softly.

“I am sure you can find a way.” Came his muffled response.

As long as your Caduceus stood by your side and you stood by his, you would be okay.

You could grow.

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you for reading :)  
> I think once finals are over, I'm going to write something for Molly/Lucien. For the spice.  
> Angst spice. 
> 
> I wish you guys a happy holiday season, whatever you celebrate in the winter! And a bit of peace, as well.


End file.
